5 Times Jim Kirk Lied and 1 Time He Didn’t
by T'Key'la
Summary: Love the Five and Ones! This one is about the lies we tell ourselves, the ones we don't really believe.


5 Times Jim Kirk Lied and One Time He Didn't

V

He had heard others claim that they had had out-of-body experiences but he never thought he'd be one of them. Yet here he was, watching himself on the bridge of the Enterprise, a ship he should never have been on, much less gotten on twice under less than perfect circumstances. He saw himself saying those horrible things to Spock and wished he could stop. _You must gain control of the Enterprise_ the other Spock had said. Surely he couldn't have meant to do it this way. _I am emotionally compromised, Jim. You must make me show it_. So there he was, that person wearing his face and using his voice, telling Spock that he had never loved his mother. Which was so clearly a lie. A blind man could see how devastated Spock had been when he hadn't been able to save her. Standing on the transporter pad looking so horribly lost and so terribly… vulnerable. But if breaking Spock would gain Jim control of the Enterprise and save Earth, he would say those awful things, shout those god forsaken lies, and maybe he'd eventually be able to forgive himself. He only hoped he would live long enough for Spock, his Spock, to forgive him so he could find out if that other Spock was right – that they were meant to be friends.

IV

"Goddamit Jim. Are you having unprotected sex with non-Humans, again?" Bones yelled at him.

"No?" Jim tried, wishing the medbay floor would just open up and swallow him. Any fate was better than being subjected to the fury on Bones' face. The others present could not help but stand and gape at the two men, Bones staring holes in Jim, the Captain not able to meet his eyes.

"Strip," Bones ordered, his hands on his hips, his patience – what little there ever was of it – about to snap.

"What? Here?"

"Unless you know of a bar where you'd rather do it. Since that's undoubtedly where you caught the latest round of god-knows-what you have this time," Bones said, the words clipped. "Hurry up. I have other things to do."

"What about a little privacy?" Jim asked, looking around the medical bay which seemed to have way more occupants now than when he had entered just a few minutes earlier.

"Fine," Bones said, grabbing him by the elbow and dragging him to one of the isolated beds where he drew the curtain closed. "Drop 'em," he demanded, pointing at Jim's pants.

"What's wrong with your tricorder?" Jim asked, not otherwise moving.

"Remove your pants or I'll do it for you," Bones warned. Jim knew from unfortunate experience that McCoy was capable of doing just that. He couldn't quite figure out how but Jim knew it was a fight he would not win.

With a sigh, Jim undid his pants, letting them fall to the floor. McCoy was not in the least bit surprised that he was bare underneath. Saves time, Jim always told him with _that_ smirk on his face.

"Have a seat," Bones said with exaggerated patience, waving at the bed. Jim obediently sat on it, his pants in a bunch around his ankles. McCoy approached, standing between Jim's spread knees. "Great. Just great."

"So. What is it?" Jim asked, looking down at his penis which was covered with small, angry blisters that he didn't bother to tell Bones hurt like hell.

"Lysian love shingles," McCoy said with a disgusted shake of his head. "Condoms, man. That's all I ask."

"I used a condom," Jim tried. But his best friend knew better and in an irritating imitation of Spock, raised one eyebrow at him, waiting for the truth. "Okay. Okay. She said no. And she was hot. Smokin'," Jim said with a look of satisfaction.

"So's your dick, thanks to your carelessness. Hold still," he said, reaching over Jim's head for a small canister which he shook before spraying the contents on Jim's affected skin.

"Cold," Jim protested, blushing as his penis tried to shrink into his warmer body.

"I got no sympathy for you," McCoy said, reaching behind Jim again to pick up a hypospray.

"What's that for?" Jim asked, catching the doctor's wrist before he could administer the shot.

"I'm hoping this will stop it from falling off," McCoy said.

"What? Fall off? No way."

"Will you use appropriate precautions from now on? You're a goddamn starship captain, not a horny teenager," Bones said.

"I'm a horny captain," Jim said with his most innocent smile. "Ow," he protested when Bones ignored him to give him the injection.

"You're probably going to…" Bones watched as Jim fell unconscious on the biobed, shaking his head. "…pass out." More than anything, he wanted to leave Jim where he was, half naked and exposed but knew he couldn't do it. Very carefully he draped a blanket over Jim's unconscious body and after leaving two dozen condoms on his stomach, went out between the curtains to tend to those waiting for treatment for conditions they had not brought on by their own stupidity.

III

"Computer, locate Commander Spock," Jim requested from one of the corridor terminals. He was studying the padd in his hand, hoping Spock could make more sense of the readings than he had been able to do.

"Commander Spock is in the hydroponics lab," the computer informed him.

Jim reversed directions, heading toward the lab, speaking to those he passed but not really paying any attention. What was the meaning of these readings that Scotty had sent him? Where they enough to endanger his ship?

He entered the lab when the doors slid apart, still studying the troublesome figures. "Spock, I wanted to know…" He stopped abruptly when Spock's head slowly emerged from behind one of the hedgeroses that were being cultivated by the botanists. Spock's hair was in uncharacteristic disarray, bits of it standing straight out from his head. His face was covered with a soft green blush and his mouth looked…swollen and damp.

"Sir?" Spock said, looking at him over the hedge. It didn't take long for Uhura's head to appear next to Spock's. She was burning holes into Jim from across the lab.

"Oh," Jim said, not able to do anything but stand and stare.

"Was there something you required, sir?" Spock finally asked, studying him.

"No no. I'm sorry I interrupted. I didn't intend to…"

"If you require my assistance, I will meet you on the Bridge in ten minutes," Spock said, sounding remarkably calm and together considering that Jim could see that he was naked at least down to his waist. Jim tried not to look to see if Uhura was in a similar state of undress.

"No. That's fine. Carry on. And lock the door," Jim said, turning on his heel and leaving, running directly into Dr. McCoy.

"Did you find him?" Bones asked, studying Jim.

"No," Jim said, not elaborating, not looking up at the doctor.

"Okay," Bones said, letting it go. "You want to get something to eat?"

"Uhh…sure," Jim said, shaking his head before going with Bones to the mess.

II

"It's not so bad," Jim lied as he tried to stem the flow of his own blood from the gash across his thigh.

Spock's face was unnaturally pale as he looked down at his Captain. The away mission had been going remarkably well until the opposing party decided the presence of the Federation representatives would be the perfect opportunity to present their grievances. In the chaos that erupted between the two sides, Jim had done everything he could to protect his people, including engaging in fisticuffs with two of the natives nearly twice his size. He had been almost been holding his own until one of them had pulled a knife, slicing Jim's leg open. The pain and surprise had made Jim fall in a heap, silently looking up at the sky as his blood stained the street red all around him.

"Hold on, Jim. The Enterprise will be able to beam us aboard in five minutes," Spock said, his hands covered with Jim's blood as he tried to hold the two sides of his flesh together. If only the blood would stop squirting out between his shaking fingers with each heartbeat.

"I got all the time in the world, Spock. Not to worry. I've been hurt way worse than this. Bones will have me patched up and back on my feet in no time."

Spock wanted to tell him to stop talking, to save his strength, but he couldn't make himself say the words. If talking kept Jim with him until they were safely aboard their ship, he would gladly listen to every word.

"Where'd the bad guys go?" Jim asked, licking his lips, his breathing becoming labored. "Did I scare them off?"

"Of course," Spock said, studying his Captain as he became more and more pale, a creeping gray overtaking his complexion.

"Good. They know I'm a bad-ass. Always have been. Always will be. Nothing a little scratch will change, huh, Spock?"

"Of course not," Spock agreed automatically. "Jim. Jim," he said more urgently when Jim's eyes fluttered closed.

"'m right here, Ssspk," Jim mumbled. "Not goin anywhere."

Spock was about to reply when he felt the welcome tingling of the transporter beam around them. Dr. McCoy was there to meet them, rushing with Spock to the medical bay where he managed to stop the bleeding, sew Jim up, and assure Spock that Jim would be fine in three or four days, providing he actually listened to instructions this time. Spock assured the doctor that Jim would, in fact, follow every instruction to the syllable. And Bones believed him.

I

"You know you are acting like a complete idiot, right?" Bones demanded of Jim as Jim nursed a second cup of coffee.

"I most certainly am not. And is that any way to talk to your Captain?" Jim retorted, comforted by the familiarity of their banter.

"It is when he's being this stupid. I'm telling you Spock is not going to punch out your lights. Not this time. Just man-up and tell him."

"Tell him what?" Jim responded innocently.

"That you have the hots for him. That you've wanted him since you…well, not since you met him. Since you stopped hating each other."

"I do NOT want him," Jim denied hotly.

"What makes you think you can lie to me? I can smell a lie on you just like I can smell the hamburger you had for lunch you don't think I know about."

"I hate you. You know that right?"

"Not nearly as much as you are going to hate yourself if you don't just tell Spock the truth," Bones said in utter exasperation.

"There isn't anything to tell. He's my first officer. That's all he'll ever be."

"Bullshit," Bones said. "You are truly pathetic. You know that."

Jim just shrugged, wondering why he had wanted his best friend to be his CMO. Couldn't he have chosen someone who didn't know him quite so well? Who wouldn't call him on his lies, especially the ones he told himself?

**And the one time he couldn't lie, not even to himself**

"Jim," Spock said when he found the Captain in the observation lounge. Jim was staring out the window, watching the stars streak by, one hand against the transparent aluminum as though he could catch one of those bright lights. Maybe if he did, he could finally thaw out on the inside.

"Hey," Jim said not bothering to look over at his friend. He was too wrapped in his own thoughts, caught in his own miserable state to reach out to Spock. They had barely spoken over the past week, since the disaster on Macdevon, that stupid planet. He knew that Spock didn't blame him but he couldn't stop blaming himself for the four crewmembers they had lost. He should have taken more precautions, taken more security, not gone down at all. The same thoughts had been chasing around his head since their return and he couldn't seem to stop them.

"Jim," Spock repeated, standing beside him, looking out the window. "You are not to blame."

"It feels like I am," Jim said quietly.

"I believe that is natural. You did everything that you could. You must know that."

"Small comfort to the four families who will never see their sons or daughters again," Jim said, only a tiny amount of the bitterness coming through.

"Ours is a dangerous line of work, Jim. We all knew the risks when we signed on to Starfleet."

"Yeah," Jim sighed, straightening and squaring his shoulders. "Was there something you needed?"

"No. Except to offer what comfort I could," Spock offered quietly.

"Oh," Jim said, surprised by that answer. "I…thought…never mind."

"You thought what, Jim?" Spock asked.

"Nothing," Jim said, shaking his head. "What time is it?"

"01:32."

"Really?" Jim asked, looking at Spock's reflection in the window. "Why aren't you asleep?"

"Because you are not. I am…concerned about you."

"I'm fine," Jim said wishing he believed it.

"I know that is not so," Spock said softly. "It is not necessary to hide the truth from me."

"The truth?" Jim repeated, turning to study the other man. Spock met his eyes, his revealing more than Jim had expected.

"Yes Jim," Spock said, his open face an invitation. "Do you know how I know that you are not sleeping?"

"Because you don't hear me in my quarters?" Jim asked, knowing it wasn't the reason.

"No. Because you have become the most important person in my life. As you have been since the time that we first met."

"We hated each other," Jim reminded him.

Spock shook his head. "That is what we told ourselves. It was never true. What has always been true is that we are two halves of a whole."

"Are you saying…" Jim stopped, wanting to be right, scared to be wrong. Surely Spock didn't mean what Jim thought he meant.

"I am saying that I cannot imagine my life without you in it. I am saying that each time you are injured, I am terrified that I will loose you."

Jim gasped at the words, seeing their truth in Spock's face. "You are saying that you love me," he whispered.

"As you love me," Spock responded very softly and very firmly.

"Yes," Jim said with a shaky nod. "I have for…a long time. I kept telling myself I didn't."

"I understand. I tried telling myself the same lies. They are not true for either of us."

"Vulcans don't lie," Jim said with a small smile playing at the corners of his mouth.

"Only to themselves," Spock corrected, very slowly and carefully kissing the smiling mouth of the one he knew would be his for all time. No lie.


End file.
